Hey dear,

it's been so long since i wrote in here... but i don't see why i have to report to the world that i still miss you. It's October, and i honestly hate this month. I don't want to count down to your death anniversary and i so dread the year 2010.

My life has changed alot since you left. I'm moving on. But dear, i want you to know that no matter how much i grow , what decisions i make or who i may or may not meet, you'll always be one of my greatest blessings. I miss you. I hope you miss me too.

Hi Darling,

19th January 2009.

A day to smile and celebrate. Love you.

it's been a long long time since i wrote anything in this blog.
Not because i've forgotten my darling here but because it is quite tedious maintaining two separate blogs, it's not like i have 2 different things to write in a day. haha.

Alex's death anniversary came and left very fast. I don't want it to last too long anyway... for the past 2 years, he was all i think of everyday day and night. I never stopped wishing he was here and never stopped imagining how different life would be if he was still my boyfriend.

The same day 2 years ago kept replaying in my head. The phone call, the funeral, the coffin, the prayers, the crematorium... the everything. The only good news is that, i'm already numb. It's like i've seen the scene play over and over so many times i'm immune to the pain.

Also, everytime i get a flashback, the scene gets abit more blurry. I can no longer remember the songs, i can no longer remember his face in the coffin ... the only face i remember is his smiling face. The toothy grin from his photographs. The same grin i fell in love with 3 years ago.

I hope it remains that way. I hope the more i think of that day, the more it fades away.
It is a memory i can do without.



How many more of 20-10 am i suppose to get through? =(
It will get better, i know it will.

Hey darling,

you must be laughing at my stupidity right? You must be thinking this girlfriend of yours is dumb and naive.

haiz, i also agree la.
But you must understand that this girlfriend of yours never quite listen to others when it comes to affairs of the heart.

I do what makes my heart happy. Even if the happiness is temporary.


I'm sorry if you're shaking your head at me in heaven. I wish you were here.

Baby, were you watching over me?
You must MUST be la!

I passed my papers. I can't believe it! haha... i felt so demoralised after the exams, now i feel invincible. WAHAHA.

Everytime the bus bypass Fullerton Hotel i feel as though it was just yesterday you messaged me to tell me you are going to work.
You will call me at 12mn to tell me you are washing cups! HAHAHA.

Miss you la! I can't wait to see you and hear your crappy jokes. Life is so dull without your nonsense you know? Everything is so stressful now, i need your smile and your laughter. =(

AHhhh... sucks.

hey baby!

lots of things happened since i last wrote here. Mostly bad stuff. But i'm sure you already know.
i admit i didnt handle the situation correctly.
I didnt think so much about the consequences, i always do what i feel like doing and i made the wrong decision. =(

I do regret abit, but what's done is done. Please forgive me. I hope he forgives me too.


I just want to forget about that whole incident.

My results release 2ml!
Honestly, with all the mayhem, i totally forgot about my results. haha.

I hope i pass la, but the chances are pretty slim. I didnt do very well, i had no motivation to study. =(
I hope hope hope, i get just enough so i dont have to retake and waste money.
Working and studying was not a very good idea because i'm always tired after work. Even when i go for classes, i hardly understand what the lecturer is saying.

If i fail and have to retake... im going to be so miserable.
More money, more time, more taxing.
haha.

Cross fingers la. =)
You cross for me too ok dear! haha.


Life goes on. I'm sure life is good, i always tell myself life is good.
But i know one thing for sure, life would be best if you were still ard. I do land myself in alot of sticky situations after you left la! haha...

miss you.

Hey Dear,

How are you? haha...
The exams ended, can't say i did fantastic, but i tried.
Were you there to see me do my papers? If you were, you would know i struggled. haha... but lets not talk about it.

You know, i am coping alot better now, you can say im being sadistic or whatever, but reading the papers everyday makes me feel better.

Everyday, in the papers, somebody dies.
Really.
Dragonboat. NS men. Earthquake. Floods. Murder.

Everyday, someone dies.
Everyday, i read about families mourning the death of their loved ones.
It made me feel better because i've come to terms that it happens to everyone.

When you left, i felt victimised. I felt like god picked me out and deliberately hurt me. I didn't do anything wrong, your family didn't do anything wrong... but god took you.

Yes, i feel wrong taking the loss of others to comfort myself, but i'm sure anyone would do the same thing to feel happier.

I do look at the obituaries everyday (i'm sick, i know), but it's my way of reminding myself that "people die" and every one of these people had loved ones who will move on without them. So why can't i?

I will move on, i already am moving on, but i just want to remind you that:
I love you, you will always be special.
muacks!